This week we’ll talk about communication. We’ve all heard that communication is key in a relationship. I asked my parents, who have been married for thirty-four, if this is true. My father laughed when I asked him this. Of course, communication is key in a relationship. Why is communication so important? What kind of problems can we run into when it come to communication? How can we be better communicators? How does being a good communicator affect a relationship?
So, why is communication so important? How often do we forget that people can’t read our minds? Sometimes I get frustrated with people in my family because I may have a certain expectation that they are not even aware of. Then, I am frustrated and when, when really, I was failing to communicate on my part.
What kinds of problems do we run into regarding communication? One obvious communication problem is not having and communication at all. Another problem, that might be more common, is not knowing how to communicate in an effective way. Sometimes bad communication is simply due to misunderstanding. When we communicate, we are sending a message and hoping that it will be received the way you meant it. Not listening to each other will also cause problems. Also, letting your emotions run high may cause you or someone else to say things without thinking.
Like I said, when we communicate with people, we are expecting our message to be received the way we wanted it to be. It starts with a thought that we have. Then we must “encode” it. This means that we have to put our thoughts into words. Then we must send our message either face to face or over some kind of media. After the message is sent, they must “decode” it, and then it will cause them to think or feel a certain way. Then vise versa. You can see how there may be some misinterpretation.
Another thing to remember is that we communicate with each other in more than one way. One study shown that our words are 14% or our communication, our tone is 35%, and our non-verbal accounts for 51%. Picture this. If your spouse was leaving for work and said, “I love you,” but said it in an upset way, how would it make you feel? Another example is if someone put their nose in the air and turns away from you. You know that is not a positive thing.
Gordon B. Hinkley, a former prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints, once said “When it comes to marriage, we need to communicate so clearly not only can we be understood but cannot be misunderstood.” To me, this means that we must be so clear on what we mean. We must also, say what we mean and mean what we say.
How can we be better communicators? In the book “Feeling Good Together” by David Burns, he talks about the five “secrets” to effective communication. The “secret” is the disarming technique. In this technique, you focus on the kernel of truth in what the other person is saying, especially if it seems unreasonable. For example, a wife might tell her husband, “You are a slob because you leave your socks everywhere.” Even though it may seem like she is nagging him, there may be some truth to it. The second “secret” is to express empathy. Something like “I know this must be so painful for you, and it is painful for me too,” can go a long way. The third “secret” is inquiry. Say something like “I’d like to hear more,” and mean it. Another “secret” is an “I feel” statement. Say “When _____, I feel/felt _______, because _______. I would like ______.” Try it out. The last “secret” is stroking. This means to express your admiration and appreciation for the other person.
It is important to be a good communicator. It will affect your relationship with anyone in a positive way. And remember, practice makes perfect!
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